“This is a story of a girl who turned out wrong, because she only loved things that couldn’t love her back.” —Sophia, Skins
*****
Hey Muffin,
It’s been a gloomy month without you. I'm trying very hard to keep myself very busy these days and most of time I've been successful in not thinking about you. But I can never help remembering you when it drizzles and when there's a cool wind throwing my hair around, or when I'm sitting in the train in the morning, looking out at the window. I can't help but think of you when I'm alone, listening to my favorite songs. Because they obviously remind me of you. It's not easy forgetting you. Its a different thing to have moved on, but its a TOTALLY different thing to not think about you at all. :S I had loved you so much.
ALL those times spent with YOU are vividly crossing my mind. Its almost 3 months, I miss all the random/senseless/depressed/crazy/stupid/wonderful/jinxed times that we have spent talking and chatting and laughing and crying over. I miss the sweet surrender of secrets and I miss the carefree chatter. Sigh...You're become a habit of mine. I've never not smiled for the past month. These days I haven't had that luxury. And I am still recalling how those "Hey Hun" messages made me smile. Circle of life. I know I am not your happy text message anymore. And I know the next time you get my text [IF and WHEN] you'll freak out and probably delete it. It DOES SUCK. I can either sulk on it or suck on it and I choose to suck on it because there is ABSOLUTELY nothing I can do! I do miss YOU. I still love you with all my heart, but not the kind where I'm desperate for you, but as a friend, a good friend. More than anything, I miss the friendship we had. Everything has changed now. :( and I know I wasn't the girl that you love but I know I always stayed with you, through thick and thin. I remember how you blew me away not once but several times and then I still welcome you when you came back to me again. This emotional roller coaster went on for almost 3 months and now I am here still living with an empty feeling, KNOWING that I was a NOBODY but a good time girl. At times, I ALSO used to get the vibe that we were "Friends with benefits" I hope I was wrong about it. Right now, I need to get on with my life and not make you a priority at all. Finally here comes a point in my life when I realize that I'm tired of trying and it's time to cut our losses and let go. Yes, I have reached that point..I know why we ended up this way. I know why we drifted apart, I also know WHY I cannot EVER get back with YOU. I know I've lost you and so have you. I smiled even I didn’t feel any better yet.
Everyone moves on and we both have separate lives to lead. I guess this is all for the better. A relationship might not always work, but the life lessons we get out of it are irreplaceable. I wish you all happiness in the world even you won't be here with me to share the joy.
*****
I wrote it couple months ago it's in my blog draft for 3 months now and I don't know why I publish it today.
