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I still find myself writing about you. I'm not always good at quitting when I say I will.

NOBAR

Akhirnya nonton bareng lagi sama Alva, walaupun terpaksa nonton film Thor "The Dark World" untuk kedua kalinya karena dia request nonton itu. Tapi ga papa kebetulan penasaran sama post-credit scenenya yg sempet kelewatan waktu nonton pertama kali.Setelah agak lama menunggu akhirnya muncul juga tuh teaser scenenya sayangnya cuma nonton satu scene doang karena kita ga tau ada 2 scenes. Ga mungkinkan gw bela2in untuk nonton yg ketiga kalinya cuma buat lihat scene itu kan 😔.

Ternyata si Alva ini rame bener kalo nonton apalagi kalo film yg ditonton itu genre kesukaannya dia "SUPERHERO" sama semangatnya kayak kalo nonton bola tim kesayangannya Manchester United yang nota bene tim bola favorite gw juga. Tapi lucu juga denger celetukan commentnya dia sepanjang film padahal gw termasuk orang yg ga berisik kalo nonton dan agak sebel sama orang yg ga berhenti comment sepanjang film. Alva Alva untung celetukanmu lucu seru kali ya kalo nobar bola bareng dia 😄. Tapi nobar film sama dia kali ini mungkin yg terakhir secara bentar lagi gw bakalan nikah sama si Abang.

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I try to forget you and I succeed only to fail shortly after. I ignore you but that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss you.

As someone who's been in more than a few toxic friendships, I feel stupid that for the past few months I've been preoccupied with trying to "save" my friendship with certain people.

Playing with Color

Happy Birthday to me

Drum roll please... Today It's my birthday!
This was one of the birthday wish I received... Photos of a birthday wishes that Huseyin Cuga made special for me in Budapest:)
Thank you Huseyin it means a lot for me :)

My Most Awesome Friends

I love them so much. Let's please remain good friends forever.

BACK TO SQUARE ONE

I've thought about Muffin a lot in the last 7 days and after a talk with my friend and a week of self-introspection, I realized that it was really stupid of me to let myself go like that and I betrayed my best friend. He trusts me and i betrayed his trust.

It started with the THOUGHT "Sucks when your best friend has a boyfriend/girlfriend. The friendship is then not quite the same."

Just some time back, he was single and had all the time in the world for me. Now, it feels rotten when I have to 'share' him with a 'girl'. Ugh. if I don't see him for a day, my heart aches to see him. If he's in a bad mood and he is cold and indifferent to me, I am hurt and sad. If I don't see him for a day, my heart aches to see him.These days the pint of our friendship has always been over flowing with drama..

You are different I don't know you anymore..
You don't care about my feelings..
You don't share anything anymore..

These are the words he generally get to hear from me when he starts to ignore me..Until one day he blocked me. AGAIN.

Then I started to stalk him. I made a fake facebook account to know why he ignored me and to figure things out and I became friend with the girl that he loves. The main reason why I did it is anger because he blocked me at that time. Sorrow, misery, agony, 10001 emotions go through my heart. Six months I've been friend with the girl that he loves. I never told her who I am. I pretend to be someone else. She's nice girl. We shared story, she loves him so much even I knew she didn't told me everything. I knew she kept something that she won't reveal to stranger like me. I swear never popped in my mind to hurt her I just want to know her and of course I wanna know about Muffin too but I also know I did it in wrong way. After almost 3 months I've been friend with this girl he unblocked me and we've became friend again. Our friendship no longer same but better than before. We're not chatting so intense like before but we're back as a friend. Until one day he asked me "Is that you?" He showed me a link to my fake facebook account. I was panic at that time. How could he know it?. I tried to be cool and told him it wasn't me. I asked him " why do you think she is me?" He said " hmmm I don't know I just guess it." I felt so guilty to him. I think and think again for many times. He didn't deserve this. I should not lie to him. He's my best friend. I couldn't keep this secret anymore. He must know the truth. And finally I decided to tell him because best friend is the worst liar in the world.


He was so mad at that moment. I knew he stopped liking me and started to hate me. The thoughts of me were no longer thoughts of happiness but of hate, I bet he felt like he wanted to punch me but he didn't do it because I'm a girl and I'm thousand miles away from him. I know what I did was hurtful and disrespectful. I never gave him space. I can see through his words to me. I knew him...deep down his heart he screamed "You need to stop trying to get at me. I have someone new now and I’m not going to EVER leave her for you or anyone. Get over it and move on. Find someone else."

Now the trust was gone. I left a blade scar on his heart and it's far deeper and no band-aid can fix it. I have no idea what to say to him. I'm sorry? Would that do? Does that work? I don't know. I'm sorry. Unholy mess. I'm sorry. I'm to blame. But don't think I want be here either. I want out. Fast.


Do you know that I'm so scared Muffin? Not of losing my place as the girl that you love, that's already happened. Not of losing significance which was never mine. But I'm scared because I'm back to square one. Still running, still spinning, still wanting you.

Sushi Time

Got whatsapp message from Aie on Thursday "Nyushi yuk jeng bareng si Dhita hari Minggu di Takigawa" without further thinking I replied her message "I'm in". Even I had to spend IDR 184000 but no regret I'm stuffed and happy :)

Unsent Letter Part 2

“This is a story of a girl who turned out wrong, because she only loved things that couldn’t love her back.” —Sophia, Skins

*****
Hey Muffin,

It’s been a gloomy month without you. I'm trying very hard to keep myself very busy these days and most of time I've been successful in not thinking about you. But I can never help remembering you when it drizzles and when there's a cool wind throwing my hair around, or when I'm sitting in the train in the morning, looking out at the window. I can't help but think of you when I'm alone, listening to my favorite songs. Because they obviously remind me of you. It's not easy forgetting you. Its a different thing to have moved on, but its a TOTALLY different thing to not think about you at all. :S I had loved you so much.

ALL those times spent with YOU are vividly crossing my mind. Its almost 3 months, I miss all the random/senseless/depressed/crazy/stupid/wonderful/jinxed times that we have spent talking and chatting and laughing and crying over. I miss the sweet surrender of secrets and I miss the carefree chatter. Sigh...You're become a habit of mine. I've never not smiled for the past month. These days I haven't had that luxury. And I am still recalling how those "Hey Hun" messages made me smile. Circle of life. I know I am not your happy text message anymore. And I know the next time you get my text [IF and WHEN] you'll freak out and probably delete it. It DOES SUCK. I can either sulk on it or suck on it and I choose to suck on it because there is ABSOLUTELY nothing I can do! I do miss YOU. I still love you with all my heart, but not the kind where I'm desperate for you, but as a friend, a good friend. More than anything, I miss the friendship we had. Everything has changed now. :( and I know I wasn't the girl that you love but I know I always stayed with you, through thick and thin. I remember how you blew me away not once but several times and then I still welcome you when you came back to me again. This emotional roller coaster went on for almost 3 months and now I am here still living with an empty feeling, KNOWING that I was a NOBODY but a good time girl. At times, I ALSO used to get the vibe that we were "Friends with benefits" I hope I was wrong about it. Right now, I need to get on with my life and not make you a priority at all. Finally here comes a point in my life when I realize that I'm tired of trying and it's time to cut our losses and let go. Yes, I have reached that point..I know why we ended up this way. I know why we drifted apart, I also know WHY I cannot EVER get back with YOU. I know I've lost you and so have you. I smiled even I didn’t feel any better yet.

Everyone moves on and we both have separate lives to lead. I guess this is all for the better. A relationship might not always work, but the life lessons we get out of it are irreplaceable. I wish you all happiness in the world even you won't be here with me to share the joy.
*****

I wrote it couple months ago it's in my blog draft for 3 months now and I don't know why I publish it today.

Kumpul-Kumpul Ex Paxar

Kangen banget kumpul-kumpul sama anak-anak ini akhirnya kesampaian juga :)

When You Click and Your Inner Narcissistic Star Comes Out By Accident ;)

This morning I’m so pissed off at the internet connection that ruin my skype date so here's what I did :(

I am a human with factory defect, with no ability of moving on.
I miss you. I miss that. I miss my confidante. I miss us. I miss love.

Happy 25th Birthday Muffin

Happy Birthday Muffin! Hope you're having a fantastic day.. And it just keeps getting better! Have fun and make merry!

PROMISE

I asked him if he loved me. He stayed quiet, and shuffled around for a bit. I told him how much I loved him.I told him I was crazy about him. He still stayed quiet. I looked him in the eyes, he chuckled and said "I don't think it'll work out, this little dance we're doing. I mean I love you and all, much more than I thought possible or probable. but see, baby, I love you as a friend not a lover that's it."
"Well I know, I know you will never love me as a lover. At least stay with me. Don't leave. I need you and I cannot be without. I'm sorry, I won't even try. Never let me fall unless we're falling together. Make a pinky promise to me please!!!" I said
He whispered on my ear " I won't baby, I promise."

Hüseyin Cuga

I would like to introduce one of the awesomest and coolest and amazing person that I've met through facebook. Since most of you are probably still unenlightened on who's I'm talking about, I shall explain the entire story from the beginning on how our friendship is started.

Once upon a time in 2007 or 2008 (cuz I didn't remember exact time when this happened), there was a girl named Emma who liked to stalk through Facebook and find some random friend around the world. Thanks to Facebook, this social media enabled her to click on friend list of one of her friend which directed her to a list of some people's profile and among all those names there was one that stood out the most which is *drum rolls*:

Hüseyin cuga

Really, i'm not kidding, hmmmm...okay to be honest his profile picture was so uhmmm yeah that...handsome ;)

And I have confession to make that I ever got a crush on him. Hey chill girls I said crush not love, you all still can do an Olympic sprint and get him anyway (p.s. He's still single).

Moving on, Emma clicked on his name, which directed her to his profile. She read his info and his wall page (well at that time most of people still going public and not lock out their identity and wall page) and her interest growing, Emma finally clicked on his photos button, which made her say wah he's a handsome guy. She sent friend request and after couple days she checked again and discovered that he finally accepted her friend request and since that day a super awesome friendship was formed.

Later she found out that Hüseyin is amazing guy that enjoyed his life too much. She said too much because she's kinda envy of how awesome his life is.He loves traveling and having so much fun with his life. And even he's busy enjoying his awesome life like sipping cocktails on beaches with white sparkly sand(lol), or partying and getting high on weed (I'm kidding about the weed part), jelly shots and everything in between, he still has time to email and text all the details of his traveling tale to Emma. While Emma thousand yards apart from Hüseyin wrapped up in her blanky, lying on her bed, sucking the thumb on her left finger and thinking bout how she envy and wish that she could join on his vacation everytime she received digital postcard from Hüseyin. Anyhoooo she's being omg-so-enthusiastic about the Hüseyin vacation thing she couldn't help it but share her awesome vacation pictures to Hüseyin which she has maybe only once in year meanwhile Hüseyin has like 6 times or more in a year. See that's the reason why Emma is jealous of Hüseyin.

Time fly by and it's been almost 4 years and they still share their traveling stories which is kinda awesome cuz they both have things in common, they love adventure and beach so much. Emma really wish that someday she could meet Hüseyin and has amazing vacation together :)

Cheers to our friendship Hüseyin Cuga :)

ARE YOU HAPPY????

I really want to be that girl who can answer with a big smile on my face "I am" when someone asks me " Are you happy?" but at this moment that would be a big lie. But I'm not gonna answer that question with "I'm not" because it would be same as I say that my life is suck. I mean how ungrateful can I be then?
So instead of answer it with "I'm not" I will answer with "I'm getting there" sound more positive right :)

Hide and Seek

Sometimes I wish that we're just playing hide and seek and one day I will find you Samooooha. But I will never find you, right? :'(

Hijab Class With WFP Store

Unsent Letter Part 1

Hey Muffin,

I saw you online today. I was torn between deciding whether I should go ping and say hi or not. In the end, I decided not to ping you and continued looking at that green dot on my messenger. Sigh...not being able to say "Hi" or "How are you" once in a while really DOES suck huh.
I clicked on your avatar on my messenger. You still looked like that someone who once "loved" me.