BACK TO SQUARE ONE

I've thought about Muffin a lot in the last 7 days and after a talk with my friend and a week of self-introspection, I realized that it was really stupid of me to let myself go like that and I betrayed my best friend. He trusts me and i betrayed his trust.

It started with the THOUGHT "Sucks when your best friend has a boyfriend/girlfriend. The friendship is then not quite the same."

Just some time back, he was single and had all the time in the world for me. Now, it feels rotten when I have to 'share' him with a 'girl'. Ugh. if I don't see him for a day, my heart aches to see him. If he's in a bad mood and he is cold and indifferent to me, I am hurt and sad. If I don't see him for a day, my heart aches to see him.These days the pint of our friendship has always been over flowing with drama..

You are different I don't know you anymore..
You don't care about my feelings..
You don't share anything anymore..

These are the words he generally get to hear from me when he starts to ignore me..Until one day he blocked me. AGAIN.

Then I started to stalk him. I made a fake facebook account to know why he ignored me and to figure things out and I became friend with the girl that he loves. The main reason why I did it is anger because he blocked me at that time. Sorrow, misery, agony, 10001 emotions go through my heart. Six months I've been friend with the girl that he loves. I never told her who I am. I pretend to be someone else. She's nice girl. We shared story, she loves him so much even I knew she didn't told me everything. I knew she kept something that she won't reveal to stranger like me. I swear never popped in my mind to hurt her I just want to know her and of course I wanna know about Muffin too but I also know I did it in wrong way. After almost 3 months I've been friend with this girl he unblocked me and we've became friend again. Our friendship no longer same but better than before. We're not chatting so intense like before but we're back as a friend. Until one day he asked me "Is that you?" He showed me a link to my fake facebook account. I was panic at that time. How could he know it?. I tried to be cool and told him it wasn't me. I asked him " why do you think she is me?" He said " hmmm I don't know I just guess it." I felt so guilty to him. I think and think again for many times. He didn't deserve this. I should not lie to him. He's my best friend. I couldn't keep this secret anymore. He must know the truth. And finally I decided to tell him because best friend is the worst liar in the world.


He was so mad at that moment. I knew he stopped liking me and started to hate me. The thoughts of me were no longer thoughts of happiness but of hate, I bet he felt like he wanted to punch me but he didn't do it because I'm a girl and I'm thousand miles away from him. I know what I did was hurtful and disrespectful. I never gave him space. I can see through his words to me. I knew him...deep down his heart he screamed "You need to stop trying to get at me. I have someone new now and I’m not going to EVER leave her for you or anyone. Get over it and move on. Find someone else."

Now the trust was gone. I left a blade scar on his heart and it's far deeper and no band-aid can fix it. I have no idea what to say to him. I'm sorry? Would that do? Does that work? I don't know. I'm sorry. Unholy mess. I'm sorry. I'm to blame. But don't think I want be here either. I want out. Fast.


Do you know that I'm so scared Muffin? Not of losing my place as the girl that you love, that's already happened. Not of losing significance which was never mine. But I'm scared because I'm back to square one. Still running, still spinning, still wanting you.

Sushi Time

Got whatsapp message from Aie on Thursday "Nyushi yuk jeng bareng si Dhita hari Minggu di Takigawa" without further thinking I replied her message "I'm in". Even I had to spend IDR 184000 but no regret I'm stuffed and happy :)