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I still find myself writing about you. I'm not always good at quitting when I say I will.

NOBAR

Akhirnya nonton bareng lagi sama Alva, walaupun terpaksa nonton film Thor "The Dark World" untuk kedua kalinya karena dia request nonton itu. Tapi ga papa kebetulan penasaran sama post-credit scenenya yg sempet kelewatan waktu nonton pertama kali.Setelah agak lama menunggu akhirnya muncul juga tuh teaser scenenya sayangnya cuma nonton satu scene doang karena kita ga tau ada 2 scenes. Ga mungkinkan gw bela2in untuk nonton yg ketiga kalinya cuma buat lihat scene itu kan 😔.

Ternyata si Alva ini rame bener kalo nonton apalagi kalo film yg ditonton itu genre kesukaannya dia "SUPERHERO" sama semangatnya kayak kalo nonton bola tim kesayangannya Manchester United yang nota bene tim bola favorite gw juga. Tapi lucu juga denger celetukan commentnya dia sepanjang film padahal gw termasuk orang yg ga berisik kalo nonton dan agak sebel sama orang yg ga berhenti comment sepanjang film. Alva Alva untung celetukanmu lucu seru kali ya kalo nobar bola bareng dia 😄. Tapi nobar film sama dia kali ini mungkin yg terakhir secara bentar lagi gw bakalan nikah sama si Abang.

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I try to forget you and I succeed only to fail shortly after. I ignore you but that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss you.

As someone who's been in more than a few toxic friendships, I feel stupid that for the past few months I've been preoccupied with trying to "save" my friendship with certain people.

Playing with Color

Happy Birthday to me

Drum roll please... Today It's my birthday!
This was one of the birthday wish I received... Photos of a birthday wishes that Huseyin Cuga made special for me in Budapest:)
Thank you Huseyin it means a lot for me :)

My Most Awesome Friends

I love them so much. Let's please remain good friends forever.

BACK TO SQUARE ONE

I've thought about Muffin a lot in the last 7 days and after a talk with my friend and a week of self-introspection, I realized that it was really stupid of me to let myself go like that and I betrayed my best friend. He trusts me and i betrayed his trust.

It started with the THOUGHT "Sucks when your best friend has a boyfriend/girlfriend. The friendship is then not quite the same."

Just some time back, he was single and had all the time in the world for me. Now, it feels rotten when I have to 'share' him with a 'girl'. Ugh. if I don't see him for a day, my heart aches to see him. If he's in a bad mood and he is cold and indifferent to me, I am hurt and sad. If I don't see him for a day, my heart aches to see him.These days the pint of our friendship has always been over flowing with drama..

You are different I don't know you anymore..
You don't care about my feelings..
You don't share anything anymore..

These are the words he generally get to hear from me when he starts to ignore me..Until one day he blocked me. AGAIN.

Then I started to stalk him. I made a fake facebook account to know why he ignored me and to figure things out and I became friend with the girl that he loves. The main reason why I did it is anger because he blocked me at that time. Sorrow, misery, agony, 10001 emotions go through my heart. Six months I've been friend with the girl that he loves. I never told her who I am. I pretend to be someone else. She's nice girl. We shared story, she loves him so much even I knew she didn't told me everything. I knew she kept something that she won't reveal to stranger like me. I swear never popped in my mind to hurt her I just want to know her and of course I wanna know about Muffin too but I also know I did it in wrong way. After almost 3 months I've been friend with this girl he unblocked me and we've became friend again. Our friendship no longer same but better than before. We're not chatting so intense like before but we're back as a friend. Until one day he asked me "Is that you?" He showed me a link to my fake facebook account. I was panic at that time. How could he know it?. I tried to be cool and told him it wasn't me. I asked him " why do you think she is me?" He said " hmmm I don't know I just guess it." I felt so guilty to him. I think and think again for many times. He didn't deserve this. I should not lie to him. He's my best friend. I couldn't keep this secret anymore. He must know the truth. And finally I decided to tell him because best friend is the worst liar in the world.


He was so mad at that moment. I knew he stopped liking me and started to hate me. The thoughts of me were no longer thoughts of happiness but of hate, I bet he felt like he wanted to punch me but he didn't do it because I'm a girl and I'm thousand miles away from him. I know what I did was hurtful and disrespectful. I never gave him space. I can see through his words to me. I knew him...deep down his heart he screamed "You need to stop trying to get at me. I have someone new now and I’m not going to EVER leave her for you or anyone. Get over it and move on. Find someone else."

Now the trust was gone. I left a blade scar on his heart and it's far deeper and no band-aid can fix it. I have no idea what to say to him. I'm sorry? Would that do? Does that work? I don't know. I'm sorry. Unholy mess. I'm sorry. I'm to blame. But don't think I want be here either. I want out. Fast.


Do you know that I'm so scared Muffin? Not of losing my place as the girl that you love, that's already happened. Not of losing significance which was never mine. But I'm scared because I'm back to square one. Still running, still spinning, still wanting you.

Sushi Time

Got whatsapp message from Aie on Thursday "Nyushi yuk jeng bareng si Dhita hari Minggu di Takigawa" without further thinking I replied her message "I'm in". Even I had to spend IDR 184000 but no regret I'm stuffed and happy :)

Unsent Letter Part 2

“This is a story of a girl who turned out wrong, because she only loved things that couldn’t love her back.” —Sophia, Skins

*****
Hey Muffin,

It’s been a gloomy month without you. I'm trying very hard to keep myself very busy these days and most of time I've been successful in not thinking about you. But I can never help remembering you when it drizzles and when there's a cool wind throwing my hair around, or when I'm sitting in the train in the morning, looking out at the window. I can't help but think of you when I'm alone, listening to my favorite songs. Because they obviously remind me of you. It's not easy forgetting you. Its a different thing to have moved on, but its a TOTALLY different thing to not think about you at all. :S I had loved you so much.

ALL those times spent with YOU are vividly crossing my mind. Its almost 3 months, I miss all the random/senseless/depressed/crazy/stupid/wonderful/jinxed times that we have spent talking and chatting and laughing and crying over. I miss the sweet surrender of secrets and I miss the carefree chatter. Sigh...You're become a habit of mine. I've never not smiled for the past month. These days I haven't had that luxury. And I am still recalling how those "Hey Hun" messages made me smile. Circle of life. I know I am not your happy text message anymore. And I know the next time you get my text [IF and WHEN] you'll freak out and probably delete it. It DOES SUCK. I can either sulk on it or suck on it and I choose to suck on it because there is ABSOLUTELY nothing I can do! I do miss YOU. I still love you with all my heart, but not the kind where I'm desperate for you, but as a friend, a good friend. More than anything, I miss the friendship we had. Everything has changed now. :( and I know I wasn't the girl that you love but I know I always stayed with you, through thick and thin. I remember how you blew me away not once but several times and then I still welcome you when you came back to me again. This emotional roller coaster went on for almost 3 months and now I am here still living with an empty feeling, KNOWING that I was a NOBODY but a good time girl. At times, I ALSO used to get the vibe that we were "Friends with benefits" I hope I was wrong about it. Right now, I need to get on with my life and not make you a priority at all. Finally here comes a point in my life when I realize that I'm tired of trying and it's time to cut our losses and let go. Yes, I have reached that point..I know why we ended up this way. I know why we drifted apart, I also know WHY I cannot EVER get back with YOU. I know I've lost you and so have you. I smiled even I didn’t feel any better yet.

Everyone moves on and we both have separate lives to lead. I guess this is all for the better. A relationship might not always work, but the life lessons we get out of it are irreplaceable. I wish you all happiness in the world even you won't be here with me to share the joy.
*****

I wrote it couple months ago it's in my blog draft for 3 months now and I don't know why I publish it today.

Kumpul-Kumpul Ex Paxar

Kangen banget kumpul-kumpul sama anak-anak ini akhirnya kesampaian juga :)